NORFOLK 2003 (The Lost Tour)

Sun 27^th July

We departed Edwinstowe all following Hillary armed with itinery and maps (thanks H), not that these would turn out to be of any use later.

Dereham was reached in time for a stroll before the pub opened and all was going well. Then we set off for our first game against Mattishall. H who had now taken the wheel decided to lead the convoy on a spot of rallying, the river crossing being the main highlight. I cant honestly recall ever driving a car through deeper water!!!.

Then H took a disastrous turn down a dead end and we had the whole convoy stuck but all was not lost as the forward scout Chesh had battled his way through a farmers yard and came back proclaiming “its over there and it’s a really good ground”. Many U turns later and we were at the ground. The wicket was found to be very wet put playable. Nige went out for the toss and was horrified to find that his opposite number was pushing for a time match. After some negotiating it was agreed to play forty overs. Nige won the toss and batted, the majority headed for the bar led as usual by Dancing Dave looking for his fifth pint of the day. Billy reluctantly went out to umpire and was nearly decapitated by Chesh as he smashed the first ball of the innings inches from Billy, fortunately Bill would probably have not felt it due to the alcohol he had consumed. On the boundaries edge the fine system was devised and due to the opposition not being of great standard defensive shots merited 20p fines(good job stu was not touring as he would have had to re-mortgage his house).Biggest fine went to Simon (The Diplomat) Chatterton for turning up at the ground at 3.45pm due to putting his foot in it with the in laws. Another hot topic of discussion was Helens boil but more of that later!!. We ended up getting bowled out for 211 in 30 overs and bowled a eight pronged spin attack with Dancing Dave nearly being taken off after 2 balls due to his inability to land ball on cut bit. But as Dave said “if you can bowl any better after seven pints you are welcome”. He did finally find the pitch and Mattishall closed on 125-7.

Now the real fun started as we set off to find our three places of accommodation. First up was the Cheshires country retreat, no problems and on to location two again no problem. Then we headed for the final destination and disaster struck, it appears that the road the guest house was on has high numbers in the middle and then the numbers go down in both directions and of course we went the wrong way several times and just to make matters worse there was a one way system and a bus lane!!. After about four circuits and us all getting split up Nige was threatened with divorce by the now irate Debbie. A few phone calls confirmed we were only three miles from the guest house. It just needed a daring manoeuvre through a no entry and we were finally going the right way.

We hit the town a little later than planned due to our adventure with the one-way system. After a brief drink in the Wilkinsons local we walked into the centre heading for Branigans, Sue flagged down a cab and went off to find the said place again disaster it was closed as was a couple more, it was not looking good Evo was sweating at the prospect of going home at 11pm. Then a flyer was spotted promising late night alcohol and off we went. The club featured a number of talented singers (sorry Rob there would have been no chance of you getting a go) the best probably being the Barry White clone who performed for thirty minutes before banging music finished the evening.

Still there was a further disaster as only one of the 3 taxis booked turned up. Nige left Hutchy lying across the doorway waiting for his roommate Doug to return with the keys. Doug then called Nige 3 times whilst he was in bed to inform him the taxi had still not arrived!!!!. All finally made it back around 3.30am.

Monday 28 July

We awoke to clear blue skies, well apart from Hutchy and a hearty breakfast. Plans were drawn up for the day with some of the party venturing to wroxham first for a short boat trip on the broads and then on to Yarmouth whilst the rest opted to go straight there. At the morning meeting we were greeted with the news that Helens boil had burst (we do not need to go into any further details on location of said item).

Dnash piloted the boat with great skill after nearly crashing on take off. Details of the others morning activities are very sketchy but needless to say they involved pubs.

So we were united for an afternoon stroll and game of crazy golf. This was played in a very competitive spirit with numerous sledging from our Kiwi guest but it was to no avail as Nige kept his nerve to record a resounding victory.

So after a short rest at the guesthouse we all met at the Fat Cat, which has been voted one of the best pubs in UK, and it did not disappoint with a superb range of beers and lagers. Major Wilko (who had been made capt for the next day after niges sacking) ordered Taxis to take us into town. Again disaster struck Dnash and Nicole found the Chesh mobile had been locked in the car park by a barrier. They were stranded as Wilkos Army had left in a fleet of taxis but the old Ozi charm worked well as he returned to the pub and pulled the dumb Ozi routine. Wilko had really come up trumps this time finding a establishment that was serving everything for a Pound. The Dnash car full arrived and Wilko led his troops into their pre match routine. Hutchy excelled inventing another of Wilkos “Turbo Shandys” this one being lager and orange bakardi breezer. Once everyone was topped up we moved next door into Liquid which had what can only be described as the busiest 70s/80s night ever.(cant imagine why so many people would be in a night club on a Monday paying full price, unless they knew we were coming). Dnash really rocked and Jonesy and Grissley did there best with the local women (It has to be said there were some fine examples around). Dougie then got involved with the locals and a mass brawl was narrowly avoided. Then Jackies purse went missing but luckily reappeared. As the club was closing we left to regroup outside, taxis were again ordered but grissley decided on alternative means of transport, Dnash declared his undying love to him and had to be man handled into the taxi. So once again all were in bed(or couch) for 3 ish !!!!!

Tues 29^th July

Our last day in Norfolk started with a shock revelation. Hutchy had somehow managed to get back to the guesthouse (a miracle considering the amount of “turbo shandys” he had drunk) but could not get past the door, fortunately nurse Nicole stepped in and put him to bed. (well actually shoved him into his room). Dnash came out of his room looking well terrible!! . The owner of the guesthouse said he was feeling unwell but seeing Dnash had made him feel a whole lot better. The owner then entertained us with his comic routine over breakfast with Dnash being the butt of many of the jokes. There was controversy at the Wilko guesthouse as the landlady refused them breakfast just a few minutes after the deadline, Jonesy storming out in protest. All seemed well at the Cheshires country retreat as we all assembled there for the journey to Downham. The journey went without incident apart from Chesh drawing level with Dnash on the speeding ticket total.

Downham was reached and we all went for a stroll (and pint in a number of cases) before arriving at the very pleasant ground to find a good-looking pitch waiting.

Captain Wilko won the toss and decided to bat. Downham may not be best team we have ever played but I can not remember a team catching better with five superb ones taken, started from the first ball of the innings when Chesh was taken with a diving effort. Only a captains innings by Wilko saved us from embarrassment as he made 47 out of our total of 125 ao.

In reply Downham were coasting at 40-0 until the introduction of spin twins Cheshire and Lipeatt reduced them to 45-5. After a stand of forty plus Grissley returned and reduced Downham to 86-8. At this point the rain came and made it difficult for the bowlers, Downhams Kiwi batted really well to see them to victory and the end of a very enjoyable tour.

We enjoyed a swift drink before our short journey home. I would like to thank the full cast of the tour :

Billy the cat, Helen , Senior Pro Mick, Sharon, Martin, Hillery, Lucy, Greg, Alan, Jackie, Nige, Debbie, Scott, Sue, Dan (Negative), Nicole,Dancing Dave, Ben (Grissley), Simon(The Diplomat), Paul (Jonesy), Paul hutch, Doug

Nigel Birkett

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